The Real Me

I found this article recently, and it sounded so much like me, at least the "old" me. I think, at age 56, I'm finally the real me. What took me so long? Maybe it has helped that I found my soulmate, someone who accepts me as I am, and loves me with all my idiosyncracies, even thinks they are funny. Go figure! But it's great to be "real."

"Ten years ago I still feared loss enough to abandon myself in order to keep things stable. I'd smile when I was sad, pretend to like people who appalled me. What I now know is that losses aren't cataclysmic if they teach the heart and soul their natural cycle of breaking and healing. A real tragedy? That's the loss of the heart and soul themselves. If you've abandoned yourself in the effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses be damned. Just like that, your heart and soul will return home." Martha Beck

Another Wildflower Adventure

Yes, it's true. Every spring I spend as much time as possible hunting down the Texas wildflowers. Here's a couple of the images I shot this weekend... enroute to, and at the Wildseed Farm in Fredericksburg, Texas.

10 honest scraps from me

Jessica inspired me to try this. Let's see how it goes:

Someone asked me once to describe myself with one word, and without hesitation, I said "mother." Of course at that time my kids were still at home and they were a huge focus and priority in my life and me in theirs. But that has really been true for me my whole life. I remember talking to myself (yes, I do that) when I was in high school, and wondering how I was going to have babies without a husband. I LOVE being a mom, LOVED every moment with my children, through all their ages and stages, challenges and joys, and now I LOVE being a grandma!!!

Another huge part of me and what makes me who I am is that I'm a cancer survivor. When you go through it, it is something that never leaves you... it is a constant in your life... not only because of the repercussions of the treatments (and there are some that I will have to live with forever), but because of the changes that occurred DURING treatment emotionally. I found out that I was a strong person when I had to be. I know faith played the biggest role there, but I was encouraged that I didn't fall apart, and that I handled things pretty well. I gained a new perspective on life, which emphasizes that one should really "stop to smell the roses" as they say; and express to those that you love what you mean to them on a regular basis, and not wait for another opportunity, which may never come.

I am "anti-judgmental." I have a really hard time with judgmental people. I also can't stand sarcasm. But then again, does that mean I'm judging sarcastic people?

I have a fear of heights. I never thought so until recently, now I find that parts of my body get this weird tingly feeling when I am up too high on a ladder or I'm looking down on something steep, and I have to get down to safe ground asap.

I hate spit. Period. Why do some men think that is ok to do in front of people?

I can't stand reality shows. Do those people forget that there are cameras in their face recording everything they say and do? Even so, why do I watch some of these programs? They are a downer. And speaking of TV... I watch too much.

People tell me I'm creative... but I'm not. I'm very crafty, I love making things and have given handmade gifts since junior high school, but I'm not creative. I'm a great copycat.

I'm an insomniac. Always have been. My Daddy told me that he never saw me completely asleep. Every time he would come into the room to check on me or my sisters, I would say "hi Daddy." It's true. I can rest, though, and I can lay perfectly still for the longest time and actually rest, even if I'm not sleeping. Comes with practice. I don't beat myself up about it anymore, and I get up in the morning and go to work and I do fine... most of the time.

I'm athletic. I had so much fun as a kid... it was always great being the captain of the team or picked first. I think about that now, and I wonder if I was nice and kind to those that may not have had that advantage in sports... I don't think so.

I love food way too much. Bummer. What's that saying... "I live to eat"... it should be "eat to live." I'm working on that. Always. For the rest of my life.

Post Processing Experiments

I don't typically use "actions" when I post-process, but I thought I'd give it a try with these photographs taken recently. This is fun! I'm looking at them right now on my computer at work, and they are darker here than at home. Hmmm. I wonder which (maybe both?) monitors need a color/lighting adjustment?

Wildflowers and my Granddaughter

Spring has sprung! Kylah and I went to my favorite bluebonnet location (Ennis, Texas), this weekend to take pictures of the wildflowers. She was a trooper... so patient and a great model!

Be True to Yourself

What a concept. I wonder why I'm sometimes not "true to myself." I'm going to work on that. I've been having some difficulties at work, some people not "liking" me... which is hard, because throughout my life, people have generally "liked" me. I don't like conflict, so I generally avoid all potential episodes of conflict and just stay quiet. But why? Maybe I should just say the thoughts that are rummaging around in my brain and forget the fall-out effect. I suppose that wouldn't be true to myself either, because it's not in me to blurt out thoughts and feelings if they might upset someone. So what do I mean, personally, about being true to myself? It means that I can say "no." It means that I can't do anything about what people think or feel about me, and if it's an unflattering appraisal, or simply untrue, which seems to be happening here at work, there isn't anything I need to do about it; it's their problem. I've always been the "middle child." I want to smooth things over, make everyone happy and have everyone like me. Some people just aren't going to accept it, and I need to just go on and not worry about it or obsess about it like I have been the last 24 hours. I don't have to be their friend. They can pretend I don't exist and walk by me with eyes averted and I don't need to try to change the situation. Be true to myself. I love fruit. Why don't I eat more of it? I love walking, why am I not doing it more often? I love being outdoors... why am I spending too much time on the couch in front of the TV? I love being in God's Word, why am I neglecting that sometimes? I'm rambling. Forgive me. See... there I go again.

Random Thoughts

BIG NEWS EVERYONE! Carl's wife, Michelle, is pregnant with TWINS!!! This is such great news! My heart spills over with love for my granddaughter, Kylah, and more little blessings will just be incredible!!!

Phew. I'm so glad the Olympics are over. Don't get me wrong... I LOVE the Olympics. But every day after work and all evening, and way too much time on the weekends, I was a couch potato watching it all unfold. Ok, give myself a break... it is only two weeks every four years, well, two weeks every two years if you also include the summer Olympics. And I'm sorry, Canada is a great place I'm sure, but at the closing ceremonies I was pretty tired of hearing about it and seeing the oak leaf on EVERYTHING. Geez... what's the matter, Eileen. You usually aren't quite so critical!!!

The sun is out today, and it is a welcome change from the cloudy and rainy weather we have been having. I'm ready for a Texas spring. People, it is as beautiful here in the spring as it is in New England in the Fall, truly. I walk around taking deep breaths and exclaiming how gorgeous it is everywhere I go. I can't wait!!!